Thursday, July 20, 2006. Ron and I decide to go get dinner and a movie before we won’t be able to for a while. I’m at 39 weeks and 2 days and though I know our little Peanut could come any day now, it probably wouldn’t be today. At least, this is what I’m thinking…
At dinner, I recall a conversation I had with my midwife earlier in the week. How do I tell the difference between the Braxton Hicks I’ve been having and the birthing waves that will bring my baby into my arms? My midwife asks me if they are coming like shooting stars or with a regular pattern. I say that I’m not sure. They seem to come in bunches, and then none at all. And there hasn’t been any pain. Sometimes they feel a little like gas, but that’s it. Anyway, I start to feel Braxton Hicks at dinner and decide to time their frequency. Over the course of an hour, they seem to be coming every 4-6 minutes! But again, I’m not feeling any pain or intensity, so I think it must be my body just ‘practicing’. We leave the restaurant and head out to catch a nine o’clock film. I mention the frequency of the Braxton Hicks to Ron. He puts in the Birthing Day Affirmations in the CD player and as Kerry’s voice comes on, “Today is your birthing day….” Ron’s eyes widen, “Not yet!?.”
As we enter the parking structure for the theater, I mutter that I should have gone to the bathroom at the restaurant. I really need to pee, and it seems I’m having a little dreaded pregnancy incontinence. As Ron comes over to my side of the car to help me out, I feel a little more wetness. A little too much wetness! I don’t feel so good about going out in public now. I tell Ron a bit embarrassed, of course. But he’s gracious and supportive as he’s been throughout the pregnancy and gets back in the car to go home. As we pull out of the parking space and try to leave the parking structure, we meet the middle of a very long, slow-moving line of cars. It seems the seven o’clock movie must have just let out and of course, everyone is leaving at the same time!
I’m feeling more and more uncomfortable and I seem to be getting more wet. So much so that I don’t think this is my bladder having issues, but perhaps my water has broken! Fortunately we also went to the store that day and picked up a few last minute things – a waterproof mattress cover for our home birth and co-sleeping preparation as well as a few cloth diapers. I ask Ron for the cloth diapers. Who knew I would be needing them! They save our car upholstery! Almost 30 minutes have passed and we are practically at the exit. Ron sees an unused lane for cars parked under 2 hours and drives up to it. But the gate won’t open! The attendant in the one long slow-moving lane yells at us that we will need to get in line with everyone else. I tell Ron to tell her that we are having a baby! She tells us that we have to get back in line. I then lose my cool and shout from the car, “My water’s broken! I’m going to have a baby, goddammit!” The parking attendant insists that we have to get back in line. Since it’s the only way out, Ron squeezes in where he can, and finally we head home!
10pm. As soon as we pull up and I get out of the car, a gush of water drenches my pants and shoes! I walk into our place and drip all the way to the bathroom, where finally I pee! And sure enough, there is pink show on my underwear!
We call our hypno-doula, R. and also our midwife, D. D. wants to know if the baby is moving, as her only concern with my water breaking is a potentially prolapsed cord. The baby does seem to be moving, but not with her usual vigor or frequency. The midwife decides she’s going to come over just to check the baby’s heartbeat and also my birthing waves. I decide to take a shower while waiting for D. and R. to arrive.
Midnight. D. checks the baby’s heartbeat, which is fine and she also assesses my tightening belly and decides that they are Braxton Hicks and not birthing waves. I’ve been lying down and wonder if between that and the shower if I’ve helped things slow down. D. says that I should try to get a good night’s sleep and that we’ll talk in the morning to see where things are at.
Friday, July 21, 2006. My midwife D. calls to explain that if my birthing time does not begin by 10pm tonight (24 hours since my water breaking), she’s going to want me to take castor oil to try to induce the birth. I’m not happy about this at all. I had heard a story about a woman at one of the yoga studios I go to who was in a prenatal yoga class four days after her water broke. And I knew from the reading I had done that as long as there is no infection or signs of the baby in distress, that one’s water breaking ‘early’ was not in and of itself a dangerous thing. And, I thought that because I had chosen a midwife and a home birth that I was going to be able to have the kind of birth I wanted, taking full responsibility for the choices I was making. Of course, I didn’t express all this to D. at the time as I was still in a bit of shock at the word ‘induce’. I really had accepted that my baby was going to come when she wanted to, and I didn’t want to think about trying to get her out sooner unless there was a real threat to her and/or my well-being. D. explained that in order for her to maintain her OB/GYN back-up physician, we would have to follow this protocol but that she was open to try any other methods that my hypno-doula may suggest as well. But, if my birthing time did not start by 10pm, we would have to use the castor oil. This was not what I wanted to be hearing. I asked D. what needed to happen to avoid inducing. D. said my “contractions are ineffective” and that I needed to be making “progress.” I felt like I was being told my body was failing, but I also wondered if I was “progressing” and if all the hypnosis training was keeping me more calm and relaxed than birth attendants are accustomed to. I had read so many hypnosis birthing stories where this was the case. But I was done talking to D. for now. I shut down a bit and decided to call my hypno-doula, R.
R. came over and we discussed what my options were. She reminded me that this was my birth and that I could do whatever I felt was best. Even if that meant I had to sign some kind of waiver. We also discussed other ways to get things started that weren’t castor oil (which I had looked up on the internet and found can cause dehydration, not to mention makes you vomit, which I did not want for my birth). Walking, acupuncture, nipple stimulation, belly lift…certainly, I had other options to try before resorting to the castor oil. I was aggravated though, feeling suddenly like my body had to ‘perform’ for people other than just go through the natural process of bringing my baby into the world on its own schedule. I was getting stressed and was feeling my birth was taking a backseat to my midwife’s professional concerns. Though I understood her position, I did not like that my baby and I were the ones who were going to have to live with her priorities, and the OB/GYN’s priorities. Mind you, I have tremendous respect for both my midwife and her back-up OB/GYN. I just didn’t like having this pressure put upon me during a time that I expected was going to be positive, joyful and stress-free. R. encouraged me to assert my needs and wants to D. and once I finished that conversation, to call R. and let her know how it went.
By this time, I was ready to bury my head in the sand. I just about did.
Being generally a non-confrontational person, I don’t call my midwife and decide to go for a walk on the beach instead. Ron and my sister Sara come with me. It’s now about 7pm, the sun is getting ready to set. I live half a block to the beach, so it’s convenient for a sunset stroll to try to let go of the pressures of the day. I intentionally leave my cell phone at home, Ron brings his camera and I get the idea that I want to play Ms. PacMan at the arcade on the pier. The walk there is less than 2 miles. The light is beautiful and Ron and Sara take turns shooting pics. I’m just starting to let go of the bad feelings I’ve been shouldering. The walk is nice, but I find that I want to pause every now and then to take a little break. My Braxton Hicks have been going all day, and now feel more intense than what I was used to for the pregnancy, but I’m still not feeling any pain or any kind of grand intensity that make me think ‘this is it’ so we continue toward the pier. I do stop at the public restrooms along the way to check that my water doesn’t show any meconium. Certainly, if that were the case, I would call D. immediately and do whatever was necessary to help the baby.
By the time we get to the pier, the sun has almost completely set. We get some quarters and my sister and I play Ms. PacMan. Ron plays some Skee-Ball, then we decide to head back home. We are joking about what we would do if I did suddenly go into my birthing time. Would an ambulance take me home since I’m having a home birth? The sun is now down completely and night has fallen. I decide that we should time my Braxton Hicks which seem to be coming regularly now. It’s nearly 9pm and they seem to be coming every 3-4 minutes! I’m still not in pain, and though I am still wanting to pause along the walk home every now and then, I don’t feel at all like these Braxton Hicks or birthing waves are ‘it’ the way people tell you ‘it’ is supposed to feel. Also what I’m feeling seems to alternate between intense and not much of anything at all.
We get home and it is just about 10pm. Our 24 hour deadline has arrived. I head for the shower and ask Ron to call the midwife and tell her that we don’t want to use the castor oil but want to try all kinds of other options first. I don’t want to talk to her directly. I am feeling very sensitive and don’t want to get negative again about the birth. Ron actually comes into the bathroom while I’m showering and tells me the good news. He spoke with D. and she said that she intuited that I did not want to be held to the 24 hour protocol, so she called the OB/GYN and explained that I was not really wanting to induce tonight. The OB/GYN had said that he wanted to sleep in anyway, so maybe I should try to get a good night’s sleep tonight and that we could all talk again in the morning! I was thrilled that D. had gone to bat for us and was also thrilled that the OB/GYN didn’t feel like he had to be a stickler for the 24 hour rule.
A lot more relaxed now, we decide that some food is in order. Ron turns on the grill for Korean Barbeque and my sister prepares rice, the other Korean sides and a traditional seaweed soup that moms are supposed to eat for 30 days after giving birth. When I get out of the shower, I decide to lie down in bed. I’m now thinking that my Braxton Hicks must be birthing waves, in between which, I eat voraciously. Finally, I am feeling some intensity with the birthing waves and decide it is time to put on the headphones and the hypnosis CDs. Ron gets the food out of the room and my sister heads for the futon downstairs to sleep. I had invited her to attend the birth, but she has not really embraced hypnosis for birth and thinks I will be in excruciating pain. She told me that she wants to be in the general vicinity for the birth, but that she doesn’t need or want to see me in pain. She has been relatively supportive and other than this mention of her opinion, has respected my need to keep discussions about birth positive. Anyway, it’s now about midnight and we all decide to try to get some sleep. As I’m waiting for sleep to come, headphones of hypnosis on, I’m really beginning to feel the intensity of the surges, but I’m so convinced that we are going to wait until morning that I’m not thinking much of them! But when I get up to use the bathroom, I feel even more intensity. I prefer lying in bed on my side. I ask Ron to time the birthing waves and they are now coming every 2-3 minutes!
1:20am, Saturday, July 22, 2006. I look at Ron and say that I think maybe we should call R. and D. He’s afraid that this may be another false alarm. I am not thinking that it’s a false alarm, but that it could be a LONG night. I’m fully expecting my first birth to be long, though I’ve been faithfully listening to my Pregnancy Affirmations CD and am hoping for a fast, easy and comfortable birth! Ron is calm and collected, but I can see in his face that he has some nervous anticipation. He starts rushing around and preparing the bed for the birth, checking the lists to see that we have everything we need and he starts scrubbing the tub and the bathroom. Meanwhile, I am starting to struggle with the intensity of the birthing waves. I feel like I’m sweating and almost crawling out of my skin. Though I’m not in pain, I just don’t feel comfortable anymore. I ask Ron to crawl into bed with me and I tell him a realization I have just had – my ‘Special Safe Place’ is not where I had been visualizing for the class, but it is wherever I am with him. He holds me as this extra-intense period of surges passes and I feel comfortable again.
R. arrives first and then D. and her assistant, B. I’m lying on my side, but I explain that when it’s time, I am going to want to push in between birthing waves lying on my side as Kerry suggests in the Hypnobabies material. I really don’t want to tear and that seems to me to be a good way to maintain control during the baby’s crowning.
Suddenly, I say that I’m going to get up on all fours. This was actually how we did our birthing practice and I’m concentrating on my breathing. I’m hanging on to Ron’s hand for emotional support and I’m so grateful that he’s there with me. He’s whispering in my ear throughout reminding me to relax. R. is next to me, stroking my calf and also speaking in a soothing voice. Kerry’s voice on the Hypnobabies recording is also playing in the background, but for some reason, I can only really seem to hear Ron. Occasionally, he talks to me more about how well I’m doing and I start to lose focus on being relaxed and the intensity builds and I say to him, “Tell me to relax!” Somehow I’ve forgotten that I have the “Peace” cue and could use that on myself! Regardless, I am maintaining a deep, regular pattern of breathing and am still not in pain, but the waves are intense.
I’ve been feeling ‘pushy’ now, too, for 5-6 waves, but it doesn’t feel like an uncontrollable urge like I’ve read about in other people’s birth stories, and I haven’t been checked since my week 38 exam, so I tell everyone I feel pushy but I want to know if it’s OK to push. I hear the midwife’s assistant, B. say that I can do whatever feels right. I feel I need to be sure that I don’t have a lip on my cervix. What I think is more likely is that I’m not fully dilated, and that maybe I’m even less than halfway there just because so many birth stories I had read made it sound like the first check reveals much less progress than the birthing woman hopes for. But D. checks me and gives me the green light to push, saying that the baby’s head is right there!
Just as in birthing practice with our hypno-doula, R., I am trying to “Ahhhhhh” the baby out. For whatever reason, my breath is not coming out smoothly. My diaphragm is trembling and my “Ahhhhhh” sounds more like “Ah—ah—ah—ah—ahhh,” on the exhale. I’m still concentrating on my breathing and also on Ron’s ‘relax’ cues and also on R’s stroking of my calf. I feel like I am deeply within myself, but I can also feel my baby pushing her foot up against the top of my uterus! She’s trying to push herself out! I tell this discovery to everyone in the room (surprisingly my sister is there now, too) and at the same time, I’m suddenly aware of how silly my “Ahhhh’s” sound. “Do I sound more like a sheep or a goat?” I ask. And everyone laughs. I can hardly believe I’m making jokes during birth! The intensity is real, but I am still not in any kind of pain! Sometime during this process, D. tells me that nothing will be as challenging as the stage I’ve just passed. I think to myself, this is going to be a breeze! I honestly felt the most challenging period was when I was by myself during the intense and uncomfortable surges that were making me sweat. Nothing had been more challenging than that period which, looking back, I think must have been transformation.
Right then, the midwife tells me that if I want to, I can reach down and touch the top of my baby’s head. I feel her warm head of hair and really start to push now. I can’t believe she’s almost here! Putting my weight back on my hands and knees in the all fours position, I am not sure where my baby’s at with each push, but I keep pushing and I feel my body stretching and opening to let her go from me. I feel good in this position and let go of the plan to be on my side. I am surprised when they tell me her head is out as I did not feel a ‘ring of fire’ – I feel only stretching (bruise and skid mark, no tearing)! I feel D. beginning to pull on my baby’s head and I say firmly, “Don’t pull on her head.” D. immediately lets go and reminds me to keep breathing to get oxygen to my baby. D. and B. have been monitoring her heartbeat intermittently and they tell me that she’s been doing great. Then D. tells Ron to wash his hands to catch her! Two more pushes and her arm comes out! With Ron poised and ready, a total of 38 minutes pushing, Carolina Rose was born into her father’s hands at 2:56am. I turned on to my back and Carolina was given to me. She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen! All 7 lbs. and 19.5 inches of her! When the cord stops pulsing, D. clamps the cord and Ron cuts it. The placenta is birthed about 30 minutes later without any traction. I ask to see it. What a beautiful guardian for my little angel! The midwife’s assistant B. will dehydrate and encapsulate the placenta for me. I plan on taking it postpartum. D. then helps me with breastfeeding Carolina for the first time. Ron and I can’t stop looking at her!
Everyone leaves Ron, Carolina and me to get to know each other for a bit. I’m thrilled that we brought Carolina into the world in the safest place we know – home. We are blissed out and falling in love with each other.
After the birth, Ron and I admit for the first time to each other that we had had our own doubts about whether or not we would have a pain-free birth, though we had hoped for the best! Our hypno-doula R. says that she doesn’t want to take any more births that are not Hypnobabies births! The midwife’s assistant, B. says that we are on our own next time as we clearly didn’t need them there! And our midwife D. says that she doesn’t know how to type, but that she’s been inspired to start writing! Even my sister is now a Hypnobabies and home birth convert! I can hardly believe that the birth happened so wonderfully, fast and without pain or major tearing. But most importantly, I am thrilled that my baby had such a peaceful and gentle entry into the world. I saw her first smile on her second day of life. And when she was five days old, she laughed in her sleep! And her smiles and laughs spill out all the time now.