Gabe’s Birth Story
Well, our little angel Gabriel’s birth went nothing like we planned, but sometimes that happens!
I woke up 2 weeks before my due date, and realized that my water had probably broken (I had been expecting a big gush, it was more of a slow trickle). My husband, Paul, meanwhile, had been trying to get the birthing pool set up so he could to go San Francisco for work for a few days. I called the midwife, Ginnie, and we determined that I was actually in labor, so Paul cancelled his trip and really began setting up the birthing pool seriously!
Eventually, it became clear that I had no signs of birthing except the ruptured membranes, which was worrisome. I started doing the Baby Come Out CD, and gave my husband the Birth Partner – Relax and Be Confident CD. Ginnie came and lent me a breast pump to use, and a supply of homeopathic labor inducers. I took them all to my baby shower that afternoon!
Of course, this was not how I really wanted labor to happen. I wanted only Paul and I to know about it, form our little cocoon, and then tell people when it was done. The universe seems to know what I need instead of what I want, because everyone at the shower knew, of course. Paul stayed with me at the shower, which was wonderful (how many women get serenaded by their husbands at their baby shower?). By the time we left, my birthing waves started coming about 18 minutes apart.
Once back at home, I started focusing on the HypnoBabies and recognized the pressure, not pain, of the birthing waves. I kept pumping and we started to time the waves. I had trouble, because I would have a recognizable wave, then a few minutes later I thought I was just having some sort of mild cramp, then a few minutes later, a pressure wave. This pattern kept up throughout the birthing. I would have on more intense then one less intense wave. So I thought I was at 18 minutes apart, but now I think it was more like 9. Around 7 PM, Ginnie told me to have a high-protein dinner, which I did (yay, home birthing!).
Things get a little blurry here, but Ginnie arrived at about 10 PM, when the waves were about 5 minutes apart, lasting 40 seconds. She eventually checked how far dilated I was, in order to decide if I could get into the pool, and I remember saying to Paul “I don’t want to know this. What if, after all that, I’m only at 2 or something? I’ll be depressed.” He said that if I’m at 2, that will be great and he’d be really excited. She checked, and said I was at 2-3 centimeters. Ah, well, no pool for me yet!
At 11 PM, I wrote in our log, “He feels soooo heavy.” I was starting to feel the pull of gravity and did more hypnosis. I really like the “Open Open Open” cue. We knew Gabe would be born the next day, so while I concentrated, Paul Googled that date and told me that Mother Theresa and LBJ were both born on August 27.
I was able to get in at I was in the pool at 3 AM, when I was 8 centimeters, and it made me feel a little better. It wasn’t the incredible release I expected, but maybe that’s because I really wasn’t as uncomfortable as some women are. I wanted Paul in there with me, so he sat behind me and supported me. I was at 9 centimeters at 3:50, and fully dilated except for a “little rubber band” by 4:30, at which time Ginnie administered some primrose to help me along. I can’t believe it took that long. I was doing hypnosis, and I would have guessed that whole stretch took about a half hour or less, not an hour and a half.
By this time, the hypnosis CDs were pretty much forgotten. I don’t know why, but I wanted to use the techniques, but not keep the CDs in. I put some in, like the Birthing Day and Easy First Stage. I also turned to some that I already knew, like Deepening. I don’t remember listening to Pushing Baby Out, but I must have. I wish someone else had been more in tune with the CDs and been able to suggest when to listen to which one. I sort of forgot what was there and forgot to put them in. A hypnoodoula would have been great. But the calm, centered feeling that I developed through my pregnancy was definitely there through the birthing.
Because of the “rubber band” that wasn’t dilated yet, on the next wave, Ginnie pushed the lip up while I pushed Gabe down, and that was the worst feeling of the entire birthing. The lip almost disappeared, so she did it again and it disappeared the rest of the way. I then started to push, and it scared me a little (well, okay, a lot). It was very powerful, and I couldn’t control it. I’m glad, I think, that I had my intense-then-less-intense pattern going, so I could rest a little in between big waves.
Eventually, I turned over and tried hands and knees, which was fine, and then floated and put my arms around Paul, my face to his collar bones, and that was the most comfortable and supported (emotionally and physically) that I ever got. I actually fell asleep, more or less, in between waves.
At this point, Ginnie realized that I was pushing wrong. She had me get out of the pool at 5:20, administered more primrose and she sat behind me on the bed. The midwives worked with me to get to me push correctly, and it worked. Paul and the assistant midwife actually saw Gabe’s head of hair, he was about +1 or +2 station. But then, everything seemed to change. I was doing the pushing, but I could tell nothing was happening. Ginnie asked Paul to push on the side of my belly when I pushed, which I didn’t understand and really didn’t like. I later found out that after descending, Gabe went back up, turned posterior, and crooked his neck in a way that made it virtually impossible for him to get out. No one wanted to tell me that for fear of discouraging me (also, they didn’t know about the crooked head part), but I knew something was wrong
Ginnie had me squat to push and in between the waves, do side lunges, to try to turn him back. I was very uncomfortable doing this, and after about 4 waves I just wouldn’t do it anymore. The midwives asked me what I thought was blocking Gabe from coming out, and I couldn’t really answer. I know that I’m fearful of the pain of the baby crowning, and thought that maybe it was my fault. By this time, I was already saying that I thought we needed to give up and go to the hospital. Ginnie was trying to put that off. It was 6:15 AM and she was going to touch base with the doctor at around 7 AM when he woke up. She said we should decide what we wanted to do. She thought we should stay and push until 8 AM. I said I wanted to leave immediately.
I don’t remember the chronology this whole period, I remember saying “I can’t do it, I can’t do it” to Paul several times. I remember him leaving the room for a few minutes at a time twice, and later he told me that he was crying seeing what I was going through (I really think that the dads have it worse than the moms). There were furtive glances between the midwives. I just couldn’t make any decisions or think clearly. I felt really bad arguing with Ginnie, she has 30 years of experience, and I have never done this. I don’t know if my emotions came from fear or some instinct that things weren’t progressing. I resigned myself to it and got back into bed to push, and Paul said “Okay, let’s take a status check of exactly what’s going on.” We started to talk about alternatives to vaginal births.
At this point, the midwives took my blood pressure, and they said I should lie on my left side and stop pushing, and were suddenly both in favor of going to the hospital. I asked what my blood pressure was, and they would only say “It’s a little high.” I found out later that my blood pressure was 170 over something. It was harder not to push than it was to push. I remember telling Paul not to forget the car seat, and I put my toothbrush in his suitcase (I later discovered that wasn’t going to the hospital). I just think it’s funny that the 2 things I focused on were the car seat and my toothbrush.
The drive to the hospital was really uncomfortable. They told me not to push when we were checking in, then put me in a wheel chair and said I was absolutely not to get up. Then a wave hit, and I couldn’t help but make noises, so they rushed over and asked to check me. What good would that have done?!? I just wanted to get to L&D and lie down. They finally came to get us and took us to our room. The nurse checked my progress and said I was complete. Then a med student checked my progress and said I had a lip (evidently, the lip had reappeared, we don’t know when, which explains why pushing was so uncomfortable for me). Then our OB, the only person at the hospital who knew we were attempting a home birth, finally came and checked my progress and said I was so swollen and in pain, he didn’t think I could effectively push so he recommended an epidural. I completely accepted that.
At this point, Paul told me my sister was there. I told him to tell her to go home, and Ginnie went to do that while I got the epidural. It started to kick in, and I turned to Paul and said “Did I just tell you to send my sister home without even seeing me? Go get her!” I feel like 30 hours into the birthing, the epidural allowed me to be me again. She came back, then we were joined by Paul’s brother and daughter, and I realized that my desire for a “private” birthing with no company was not at all what I needed. I knew my birth plan was shot, and having people around really helped distract me from the disappointment.
The epidural was followed by Pitocin (cascading interventions, here we come!). After a few more hours, the doctor said he didn’t think I could deliver vaginally. He said my pelvis was too small and everything was in too bad of shape. This is an OB who is very supportive of home birthing, has a very low C-Section rate, and was ready to follow my birth plan practically to the letter, so I trusted his judgment. We went to the OR and that was when I realized how much of a patient I was now. The difference between home delivery and hospital delivery was stark. The lights were so bright, I was strapped down to a table, my husband had to keep his distance while they prepped me, it was tough. One by one, the nurses and doctors asked how I was doing, and I just said “I’m so disappointed,” and started crying. They tried to be reassuring, but I was having a tough time. It turns out the section as pretty difficult, Gabe was just wedged in there and would budge, forward or backward. I think that, had I remembered to do my hypnosis, this whole part would have been so much easier on me. I was calm and in control, due to my entire approach to birthing (thanks to Hypnobabies), but I think an actual fingerdrop would have been helpful. Of course, I have the luxury of having these thoughts because Gabe is healthy, he’s just perfect, and I know that’s all that matters.
After they took me to recovery, the rest of the day is sort of a blur, except the hemorrhaging incident. I started to pass blood clots and bleed a lot, and when the hospital personnel realized that, they all came rushing (which my poor parents witnessed from the hallway). They were trying to get everything out of my uterus, and it wasn’t comfortable. This time, I did remember my hypnosis and turned off my light switch to try to make my muscles relax as much as possible, in order to reduce pain and help them get everything done. They were amazed at how calm I was.
Still, with all this, I feel that I had a successful hypnobirth. First of all, I have a beautiful healthy baby boy, which is all that matters. But my fears about birth were considerable before I found HypnoBabies. I would never have tried a natural birth or a home birth if it weren’t for the program, and I know that was the best choice for both Gabe and I, whether or not he was successfully delivered at home. Had I been in the hospital, they would have had me on Pitocin within hours of my water breaking. If not for HypboBabies, I never would have experienced as much of the incredible natural birth process as I did. Also, there were moments that were quite difficult for me, but the hypnosis, and the overall approach to birthing that I learned, carried me through them. As we always say, it’s not about controlling everything in the birthing, it’s about have the best birth possible, and that I what I had. I am very thankful for the birth experience Gabe and I were give through the program.